sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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