Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
