Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
