Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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