I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
