I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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