Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
what day is it and did you see me today?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
