I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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