she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
