I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize