TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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