Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
