you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
