Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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