So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize