So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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