my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
