Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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