On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
