there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
