My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They are going to name an STD after you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
