textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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