4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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