I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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