Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
