last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
