Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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