if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize