pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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