Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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