I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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