Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
