Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
