i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
