i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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