I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
