It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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