Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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