oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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