Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize