it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize