there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
