last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
