at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think my moral compass just broke
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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