he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
