Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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