Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
