Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
