I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
