so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
