She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
