apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
