I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
