I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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