I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize