i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
