That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize