everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
