Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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