he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize